How God Used My Depression and Anxiety
September 23rd was the darkest day of my life. I had been struggling for a few weeks with feelings of being down, but this was different. It seemed as if I could not control the influx of thoughts that continued to run circles around my head. Thoughts of,
“Why is this happening to me?”
“Why can’t I snap out of it?”
“My wife doesn’t deserve this.”
Worst of all, “Am I going to be better before my daughter arrives?”
Additionally, the night of September 23rd was also one of the biggest days of the year for me occupationally. I am the Outreach Pastor of RBC in Baltimore, Maryland, and that night was Food Truck Night. We hosted over one-thousand people on our campus. On one of the best nights of the year when I should have been excited about all that God had done, I was just trying to stay above water. Even though I was surrounded by over one-thousand people, I felt as if I was the only one there. I was deep in the pits of anxiety, depression, and despair.
The following week would consist of racing thoughts that I just couldn’t get out of my head, along with constant pressure in my chest, and worst of all, insomnia. I wondered if I would be like this forever and how long my wife could continue to support me.
But God! He had other plans.
While I was sitting in the deep pit of my emotions, God taught me the root of my anxiety; I felt the need to be in control. Simply put, I was trying to fulfill a role that was not mine. As God revealed this brokenness in my soul, I was finally able to start healing. Clear as day, I remember God telling me, “Trust me for this day.” I was reminded of the Biblical story of the Israelites traveling to the promised land. God did not give them enough food to store for the week, or to be comfortable; He gave them enough food for the day. They had to trust God every single day from the moment that they woke up. They had to trust that He would provide for them. From that moment on I knew that God was going to give me enough strength; not to get through the next week, but to get through the next day. I would begin again learning constant reliance on God, one day at a time. Through my relationship with Christ, counseling, and the support of those around me, I was able to push through and begin recovery. This verse changed my life:
Isaiah 26:3 “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind stays on You, because he trusts in You.” But God wasn’t finished!
As most know, when God is stretching us, He doesn’t simply give us what we need, He gives us opportunities to grow in the area of need. For me, God wasn’t going to simply grant me reliance, He was going to give me an opportunity to grow to be more reliant on Him. Being transparent, one of the areas of my life where I seek total control is in the area of finances. Money has always been a weakness for me. Whether this anxiety stems from growing up with uncomfortable finances, or plainly put, fear, finances have always been one of my weaknesses so I expected that God was going to push me in that area specifically.
First, God gave me an opportunity to rely on Him when He led me to give to a local Christian radio station, which is something that I previously would never have done. This, however, would only be preparing me for the even bigger test that God was about to send my way.
For the past few months I have been in the market for a truck. My current car’s value has skyrocketed, making it the perfect time to sell. I had a plan. With the money from my previous car, and savings from a side job, I was in a place to afford a truck. Granted, the truck was more than likely going to be older, have a hefty amount of miles on it, and probably be a little worn, but it would be a truck nevertheless. I prayed very specifically for what I desired. As I prayed, I began making moves and decided that I would attend a local car auction and hopefully be the winning bidder. In order to attend the auction as a public bidder, I needed to have $1,000 in cash as a deposit. The day before the auction, I went to the bank to grab the cash. Later that evening, God showed me that He had other plans for that money. He put someone in my path who really needed to know His love for them, so He laid it on my heart to give them my $1,000. My initial thoughts were, “God, are you sure? Are you sure you didn’t add an extra 0? You are going to have to make this abundantly clear to me.”
As my wife and I were in conversation with this person, God made His will abundantly clear. I was being tested. God had given me a huge opportunity to fully rely on Him. I handed over the money and was now $1,000 under my target price point. Reality set in that I may not even get a truck, but, for one of the first times in my life, I was content. It felt good. I knew God was going to take care of me and if that didn’t involve a truck, I was fine with it.
But God! Again! He had other plans. The next day a truck would appear on an auction site online that was everything that I wanted and more. Being in immaculate condition with only 44,000 miles on it, I knew that there was no way that it would sell in my price range. The bidding began and quickly rose up to my limit. I placed my bid. Crickets. I got my truck. It was mine! “How much?” You might ask. $1,000 LESS than my original budget.
Through the darkest season of my life, God conformed me to the likeness of His Son. He taught me that when I fully put my trust in Him, when I truly surrender my plan to His, He will deliver above and beyond what I could ever imagine. Don’t misunderstand; God is not a genie in a bottle granting wishes. He is a loving Father who desires our obedience and keeps His promises. When we surrender to God’s will, He is faithful to take care of our every need. Arguably, I did not “need” an amazing truck, and God was not obligated to give me a truck, but He does say in Luke 6:38 “Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you.” If we can just manage to relinquish control, God can heal our hearts and blow our minds.
Verses for Anxiety:
Isaiah 26:3
“You keep him in perfect peace whose mind stays on you, because he trusts in you.”
1 Peter 5:7
“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”
Matthew 6:26
“Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?”
Philippians 4:6–7 “do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
